


The Will To Live

by Miko no da (Miko)



Category: Fushigi Yuugi
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-01
Updated: 2003-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miko/pseuds/Miko%20no%20da
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Tenkou's defeat, Tasuki thinks he has little left to live for. An old companion steps in to show him just how wrong he is.</p><p>(Posting OLD fics from my defunct website)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Will To Live

Tasuki was trudging. There was really no other word for it - walking, sauntering, pacing, travelling - none of them quite covered the situation. No, he was definitely trudging. And he really, really hated it.

This wasn't a new thing. He'd been trudging for a long time, and hating it for nearly as long. Vaguely he remembered a time when he'd gone off and wandered around by himself for long periods of time, just going where his feet took him. He'd enjoyed it, then - the fresh air, the warm sun, the world alive all around him.

Now the sun was hot, the air was full of dust kicked up by his shuffling feet, and the chirping of the birds was nothing but an annoyance. How come they got to be so cheerful while he was so bloody miserable?

"What's wrong, Tasuki-kun no da?"

Tasuki glanced up at his traveling companion, though he didn't really need to. He had the other man's countenance pretty much memorized now, from any angle. After all, Chichiri, the only other remaining Suzaku Seishi, was pretty much the only constant in his life right now. Constantly bouncing along ahead of him on the trail, constantly babbling in his cutesy little speech patterns, constantly trying to cheer his companion up, constantly driving Tasuki insane!

"Nothin's wrong, Chichiri," he answered automatically, but his heart wasn't in it. He knew he hadn't fooled his friend when the monk reached up and removed his ever-smiling mask.

Chichiri studied him intently, his good brown eye serious in his solemn expression. "You've been brooding for weeks, Tasuki-kun," he informed the ex-bandit, and the sudden lack of 'no da's showed that he really wasn't fooling around any more. Tasuki sighed, and raked his hand through his orange hair. Chichiri could be difficult to deal with when he was in one of his rare serious moods - certainly it was nearly impossible to fool him about anything.

"I just... been thinkin' a lot," he finally mumbled, hoping to put the other Seishi off with vagueness. "About stuff."

A hint of a smile tugged at the monk's face, but he didn't allow it to ruin his studious look. "Stuff, huh?" he repeated, and his voice was not without humour. "What kind of stuff?"

Tasuki glanced around the area they'd stopped in, even going so far as to shade his eyes with his hand and peer ostentatiously into the distance. "Man, we're practically in the middle of a desert, Chichiri," he complained sourly. "Couldn't we wait to have this conversation when we've got some shade?"

The mage gave him a measuring look. "I don't think so," he finally answered, much to Tasuki's dismay. "You've been getting progressively more miserable since Miaka and Taka left - if you drag yourself along any closer to the ground, you're going to be eating dust."

"I'm eating dust anyway, all this damn crap we keep kickin' into the air," Tasuki responded with a half-hearted growl. He sighed, seeing that his friend was not about to allow him to change the topic. "I'm just... it's... ah hell, Chichiri, I dunno if I can even explain it. I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me, how can I tell you about it?"

He kicked miserably at a stone in the road near his toe, watching it skitter away down the path as Chichiri continued to gaze at him thoughtfully. He could feel the weight of the monk's eye on him, like a physical tension across his shoulders. He fidgeted, shifting the strap of his tessen so that it rested higher on his back, then tugging it back down again.

"You're still blaming yourself for what happened with Miaka, aren't you?" Chichiri finally asked him bluntly. Startled, Tasuki looked up at him.

"I..." He trailed off, at a loss for words.

Chichiri shook his head. "Hikou tricked you, Tasuki. You weren't thinking straight, and you weren't really in control of your actions. You said it yourself - you just wanted to make her stop crying. In the end, you did the right thing. You even sacrificed yourself to save her. She forgave you... now you have to forgive yourself."

Tasuki clenched his jaw and turned away. "Tricked or not, I'm still the one that almost raped her," he ground out bitterly.

Chichiri sighed. "Tasuki..."

Tasuki glared back over his shoulder at the older Seishi. "Yes, Chichiri, I know that I have to get over it, that I have to let go of my guilt, and that brooding over it only makes it worse. You've only told me that about a million times now!"

"You never listen," the monk pointed out calmly, his good eye full of gentle sorrow.

"It took you what, nearly eight years to forgive yourself for Hikou's death?" Tasuki shot back, mad enough not to employ even the small amount of tact he usually had. "It's only been three months since the whole mess with Tenkou - give a guy a break, will ya?" He fought down his temper, not wanting to sour his friendship with the only man in the world who understood him even a little because he'd gotten carried away in an argument. "Look... I'm not ready to deal with it yet, and I'm makin' it harder for you to get on with YOUR life because my problems are connected with yours. Maybe..."

He hesitated, glancing out over the flat, dust-covered plain because he didn't want to see the look on his friend's face. "Maybe it's time we went our separate ways," he suggested finally, his voice heavy with resignation. "We've been wanderin' together for... what, a year now? More?"

"A little over a year," Chichiri answered, his own voice thick with suppressed emotion. "Ever since you decided that the Leikaku bandits were doing better without you there."

Tasuki fought off a lump in his throat at that particular memory - it had been a hard decision to leave his beloved bandits in Kouji's capable hands. "Yeah," he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets and kicking at another rock. "I really appreciate you puttin' up with me all that time, buddy. I know I was a real pain in the ass sometimes."

Chichiri allowed the smile to show more strongly this time - a real smile, on his real face, not one of the mask's false grins. "You've been a good friend, Tasuki," he replied seriously. Tasuki gave him a weak fanged grin in return.

"You, too, Chichiri. But maybe it's time I started finding my own way, ya know?"

Chichiri studied him for another few moments, the silence weighing heavy between them. Finally the monk nodded. "Hai. I understand - this is something you need to work out for yourself." He brought his staff around and planted it in the ground in front of him, the rings jangling metallically. Holding his free hand in front of him in an attitude of prayer, he chanted for a moment. Tasuki could feel the other man's chi building, felt his own Seishi symbol responding in a flare of energy. A small blue ball appeared in the mage's now outstretched hand.

"Here," he said, handing the small crystalline sphere to Tasuki. The bandit took it with appropriate care, marvelling over the way the bright sunlight refracted inside it. "If you ever need me, just break it," he told Tasuki solemnly. "I'll feel the release of the chi, and come to you right away."

Tasuki grunted, flushing and trying to hide his embarrassed pleasure. "Thanks," he replied with heartfelt sincerity. "Good luck, Chichiri, and Suzaku be with you wherever you go."

Chichiri gave him another small smile. "May he guide your footsteps always, Tasuki-kun," he answered in the traditional blessing of leave-taking. "And may we meet again soon." He passed a hand over his face, restoring the smiling mask to its place. Turning, he began to whistle a cheerful tune, his staff ringing in time to the music as he walked away down the trail.

Tasuki turned away deliberately, knowing it was bad luck to watch someone until they were out of sight. He struck out, heading off the trail at a right angle, knowing from the map they'd looked at the night before that he'd hit another road before he'd gone too far. Once more he was on his own, following wherever his feet would lead him.

 

* * *

Tasuki sat beside his campfire, watching the flames spark and leap reflectively. Fire and its aspects played such a large part in his life, he mused, turning his tessen over and over in his hands. From the colour of his hair, to the avatar of the god he followed, to his Seishi power, it had dogged his footsteps from day one.

Fire was pure, its flames cleansing. He had nearly died once in its embrace, fighting the demon Hikou's power over him in an effort to save Miaka - only Mitsukake's ghostly intervention had saved him. He still remembered the pain, the searing agony as the conflagration had consumed him, inch by burning inch. It was a memory he would carry with him for the rest of his life, relived every night in his nightmares.

He was brooding again, and he didn't need Chichiri to tell him that it wasn't a healthy preoccupation. In the three weeks since he'd left the other Seishi's side he'd spent his days and nights sinking into a strange sort of fugue state - putting one foot in front of the other or doing mundane camp chores while his thoughts chased themselves in little descending spirals. It had ended with him here, at the edge of a forest bordered by a little stream, where he had sat for the last three days.

As if to mock his misery, the weather had been perfect, sun shining down from a beautiful blue sky as the first few breezes of autumn made themselves known. The stars shone down on him at night, as they did now, accusing him with their all-seeing gaze. Automatically he tipped his head back and traced out the constellations, finding his own 'wing' among the others in the southern quadrant - Suzaku's Seishi.

His eyes continued along the line, naming the warrior each set of stars belonged to. Mitsukake. Chichiri. Tamahome. Hotohori. Chiriko. Nuriko. He thought about them for a while, remembered the sacrifices each had made for country and Miko. They had saved Konan-koku from Kutou and the Seiryuu Seishi, then gone on to save it again as spirits from the demon Tenkou. And now, with the exception of himself and Chichiri, they were all dead, gone on to their next incarnation in the Miko world.

Leaving him - what? Lost, and purposeless. Chichiri was used to wandering aimlessly; he was a monk, after all, and that was what he'd been doing for years before the Miko had come. He'd settled back into that life easily, taking up his wandering ways again without even blinking. Tasuki hadn't had nearly so easy a time finding his way in life once Suzaku had been called.

He'd tried going back to the Leikaku bandits - what a disaster that had been! 'Genrou' was gone, and though Tasuki had tried hard to fall back into his old patterns, it just hadn't been possible. Kouji had been a much better leader than he ever could be, and at last he'd left his mountain home behind, though not without a few regrets.

He'd met up with Chichiri not long after that, and he had found some measure of peace in following the monk in his travels. Chichiri was a good friend, even if he could be ultra-annoying at times. He'd just begun to hope that he might be able to make a life for himself after all, when Miaka had returned with Taka, Tamahome's reincarnation, to battle Tenkou's dark influence.

It had certainly been a shock, seeing the spirits of the fallen Seishi again. The last thing he'd ever expected was to be able to speak with Nuriko or Hotohori or the others ever again. Saying goodbye to them again had been physically painful - he hadn't realized how much he'd come to depend on his friends' support until they were gone.

And now he was alone again - alone with his memories and his guilt. It was a lonely existence, one not even Chichiri's cheerful presence had been able to mitigate. Tasuki realized with a start that he had finally identified just WHAT was bothering him - he was lonely, achingly lonely, the kind of soul-deep loneliness that you could experience even when you were in the middle of a crowd of people. He had always been a loner, a misfit; first as the only boy in his family, then as a bandit, and later as a Seishi. But it had never bothered him - he'd been a loner, but he'd rarely been alone.

Darkly, he now wished that Mitsukake had not been able to save him from the fire he'd created to destroy himself. He would have been just as useful in the final fight as a ghost - hadn't all the others managed despite the lack of a physical body? And then he could have gone on to his next life with them, instead of being forced to live out the rest of this miserable incarnation.

What happened to the hero, when the battle was over? How long did the wildly cheering crowds remember you, once the immediacy of the war had ended and their lives had returned to normal? What did you do with yourself, when the purpose you were born for had been completed?

Nothing, that's what. Absolutely nothing. Not even twenty years old, and he'd already accomplished far more than most men could do in a dozen lifetimes. What could be interesting after summoning a god? What could be challenging after battling a demon?

He spun his tessen in his hands, watching the way the fire glinted off the diamond edges. He wondered what would happen to it when he did die; although at one time anyone had been able to invoke the spell that called its magic flames, now it was keyed only to his chi. Perhaps it would be destroyed, or perhaps it would come with him into the afterlife the way Nuriko's bracers of strength had. He showed his fangs in a brief grin, wondering what people in the Miko world would make of it - he knew from Miaka's stories that people there didn't believe in magic.

The fire snapped as a log broke in half, sending a shower of sparks into the air, and his grin faded. Not even twenty - he might live for another fifty, sixty, eighty years! Those two Byakko Seishi in Sailo had still been going strong at well over a hundred; Seishi were notoriously hard to damage. They tended to live through things that would kill an ordinary person, and recover from wounds that would have crippled anyone else. It only made sense, he figured. After all, wouldn't it suck for the Miko to come all the way from another world to rescue the country, only to discover that one of her Seishi had died of some childhood accident or disease?

Nearly a century of life yet to look forward to - or perhaps he should say, to dread. Suddenly the prospect of it was overwhelming, the very thought pressing down on him like a smothering blanket. What would he do? Where would he go? How would he live? He couldn't spend the rest of his life leeching off of Chichiri's hospitality, such as it was. That much was certain. Go back to his bandits, and make THEM all miserable again? Drive Kouji crazy moping around the place?

Or, Suzaku forefend, he could go back to his family. Tasuki shuddered at the very thought. He'd run away from home at fifteen for a good reason, and he had no desire to return now. Not that his family had abused him, or anything like that - they'd just driven him straight up the wall and back down again. The last thing he needed was five pushy older sisters and an even pushier mother fawning all over him!

No matter how he looked at it, his remaining years were a bleak prospect indeed. He could already see how they were going to drag on, getting lonelier and more desolate with each passing season...

So why live them?

The thought was so startling that he had to repeat it to himself a few times to grasp the concept. Why live them? Why let himself continue on this way, desperate and lonely, day after day, year after year? Why should he have to suffer, waiting for something to kill him while the others went on to their next lives?

Tasuki was nothing if not iron-willed; once the decision had crystallized in his mind, nothing could have stopped him. He stood grimly, planting his feet shoulder width apart and gripping his tessen with both hands. The one thing that could be guaranteed to kill a Seishi was a Seishi - he'd almost died once in his own flames, and this time there would be no one to save him.

He raised the metal fan high above his head, summoning his chi. He felt the Seishi symbol on his forearm spark to life, glowing with burning heat. It hurt, but it was just a small sample of what was to come. Briefly he spared a thought for Chichiri - the other Seishi would surely feel his passing, just as they had felt the passing of each Seishi before them. He hoped the monk would be able to find a better path for his own life than Tasuki had chosen.

"Lekka shinen!" he voiced the incantation, throwing every bit of his chi behind it as he swept the metal fan down towards the ground at his own feet. He braced himself for the wave of searing agony that would come along with the biting flames...

CLANG! The fan encountered something metallic halfway down its arc and the flames expended themselves harmlessly, consuming his little pile of firewood in an instant conflagration. He opened his eyes in disbelief, unable to imagine what could have gone wrong.

He found himself staring into an angry pair of wine-coloured eyes, snapping with fury. "What the HELL do you think you're doing, baka?" Nuriko demanded of him. It was the ghostly Seishi's Suzaku-blessed bracers that had stopped the descent of the tessen - the only way he was still able to interact with the living world.

Tasuki gaped at him, sputtering with surprise. "You... you're... you're supposed to be gone!" he blurted out, cheeks flushing with shame. "Taiitsu-kun sent you all on to the next life!"

Nuriko glared at him, planting his fists on his hips. "Suzaku told me I was still needed here, and sent me back. I think I just figured out why. Tasuki, what were you thinking?"

"I'm thinkin' I don't need a ghost interfering with my life," he snarled in return, turning away from the ethereal Seishi. "Go away and leave me the fuck alone!"

"Why, so you can try killing yourself again?" Nuriko exclaimed, incensed.

"Why the fuck should you care? You're already dead!" Tasuki shot back, just as furious. He couldn't believe his luck was bad enough that the purple-haired bishounen had actually caught him in the act of suicide.

"Yes, I am dead, and I'd give anything to be alive again!" Nuriko snapped at him, shocking him out of his self-pity a bit. "How can you callously throw away something so incredibly valuable as your life? Do you have any idea what it's like to exist in the world, but not be able to interact with it? Not to be able to smell the flowers, not to feel the warmth of the sun on your face or a raindrop against your skin, not to be able to touch anything at all?" His voice broke, and he brought a delicate hand up to cover his face. Tasuki could see the glitter of tears on the other man's cheeks, and he felt guilty.

"So why don't you just go on to your next life, if it's so bad being a ghost? You'll be able to touch things again then."

"But I won't remember," Nuriko countered sadly. "It won't be the same - I'll be all alone again."

The heartbreaking loneliness that echoed in the other Seishi's voice was so nearly what Tasuki himself felt that it brought tears to his eyes as well. He fought them off, not wanting Nuriko to see that he was getting to him. "So just because YOU want to be alive again, yer gonna hang around and haunt ME, izzat it?" he growled, his speech deteriorating as always when he was angry or upset.

"I'm not going to let you throw your life away, if that's what you mean," Nuriko agreed with him. The ghostly teartracks still shone on his face, but his eyes glittered with determination. Tasuki snorted.

"Go away and leave me alone, Nuriko. I don't want you here, so just get lost!" he snarled sourly. Nuriko huffed, and glared at him again.

"I'll go away for now, but don't think I'm finished with you yet!" he admonished the flame-haired Seishi. "And just remember - if you DO manage to kill yourself, you'll be within reach of ME again." He cracked his knuckles meaningfully, and smacked Tasuki on top of the head with his bracer. It was a gentle tap as Nuriko's hits went, but it still stung like hell.

Tasuki swatted the bracer away from him irritatedly. "You don't scare me," he muttered, turning to lie down on his bedroll. With the fire out it was getting cold, and he didn't feel like chopping more wood. He wrapped himself up in the blankets, pointedly rolling over so he was facing away from the ghostly Seishi. "Take off, I wanna sleep."

Nuriko said nothing further, and there were certainly no sounds of his leaving, but after a few moments Tasuki knew that he was alone once more. Strangely, he found as he drifted off to sleep that he didn't feel quite so lonely anymore.

 

* * *

The dawn sun struck him squarely in the eyes the next morning, and birds greeting it with enthusiasm ended any possibility of his rolling over and going back to sleep. Blearily he shoved himself upright, raking a hand through his disheveled hair and trying to figure out why he felt so miserable.

Then he remembered; he'd expended most of his chi in that errant blast of flame last night, and he was going to be tired and cranky for the next few days until his body regenerated its depleted store of energy. Swearing under his breath, he forced his weary eyes all the way open and looked around the campsite.

For an eerie moment he thought that Chichiri had somehow found his way to the campsite - there was a fire blazing cheerfully in the firepit, with tubers roasting on a flat stone nearby as two small rabbits cooked over the flames on an ingenious little set up of rocks. Then the crouching figure at the fire turned to smile brightly at him, and he recognized it as Nuriko.

"What the HELL?" he asked, astonished. "I thought you couldn't touch anything in this world!"

Nuriko's smile turned sheepish. "I can't - except that I discovered that I can touch your tessen, I guess because it's also Suzaku-blessed, like my bracers." Tasuki frowned at the idea of anyone else handling his beloved tessen, and glanced around for it. It wasn't immediately visible, and he got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"What did you do with it?" he demanded. Nuriko actually blushed a little, and looked guilty.

"Well... first I went and got some wood. That thing's got a hell of a sharp edge on it!" Tasuki growled, incensed by the thought of his tessen being put to such an undignified use. "Then I found some tuber plants, and dug up the roots to lay by the fire," Nuriko continued in a small voice, aware of Tasuki's growing displeasure. "I managed to catch a couple of rabbits, as you can see - just bashed them over the head," he said, swinging his arm to demonstrate. "But I couldn't figure out a way to put them on a spit, so I decided to just kind of fry them."

"How did you start the fire?"

Nuriko chuckled. "My bracers are metal, and there was flint lying by the fire. Hit it hard enough, and it'll spark regardless of whether you're using steel or not."

"And where's my tessen now?"

Nuriko blushed again, and nodded at the fire. Tasuki looked closer, and saw that what he had at first taken to be a large, flat rock with the rabbits on it propped up over the fire on another boulder, was in fact his tessen in flattened shape. "NURIKO!" he bellowed, jumping up and snatching the precious weapon from the flames. It was, of course, hot enough to cook the rabbits - which meant it was also hot enough to cook his hand. Swearing, he dropped it and clutched his wounded hand to his chest.

Nuriko had jumped to his feet and was staring at the rabbits lying in the dirt with dismay. "Tasuki! You idiot, you just got your breakfast filthy, AND burned your hand."

"I can't believe you were cooking RABBITS on my TESSEN!" Tasuki gritted out through clenched teeth, hissing with the pain of the burn. Nuriko rolled his eyes.

"It's not like it was going to hurt it any, baka. I mean, it's designed to withstand fire! Come here and dunk that hand in the water before it gets any worse."

Tasuki stumbled over to the stream and plunged his hand into the placid trickle of water, yelping with pain as the stinging cold met the fiery burn. The cold water leeched the heat of the burn away, preventing it from doing any more damage.

"Shit, that hurts!" he grunted as he pulled the already-blistering hand from the water and examined it. "Aw, fuck! Damn it, I'm not going to be able to use this hand for days!"

"If you don't wrap it, it's going to get infected," Nuriko told him. Tasuki glanced over to see that he had used the tessen to scoop up the rabbits again, and was examining them for edibility. "I can't feel the heat," the purple-haired man reminded him when Tasuki gave him a startled look.

"Oh. Right." He sighed, and stumbled over to where he'd dropped his pack. He fished through it with his left hand, finally pulling out a roll of bandages that he'd picked up somewhere along the way. Awkwardly, he wrapped the injured hand in the soft gauze. "Are they still edible, at least?" he asked plaintively. The damage - if any - to his tessen was already done; there was no point in scorning the food after the deed was done.

"Greedy," Nuriko teased him, tipping the tessen so the rabbits would slide onto a clean, flat rock. He used it to herd the tubers away from the fire as well, pronouncing them ready. "I wasn't able to gut and clean the rabbits," he said apologetically as Tasuki approached his meal. "But you should be able to still pick bits of meat off them. The fur is all singed away, anyway."

Tasuki set to stuffing his face, sucking air into his mouth quickly to cool the hot tuber. He was indeed able to get plenty of meat from the rabbits, using his belt knife to pry off the chunks and carry them to his mouth, dripping with juices. "'S good," he mumbled.

Nuriko chuckled, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin resting on them. "You're getting as bad as Miaka," he taunted, and Tasuki growled at him playfully. It almost felt like the old days, when they'd been camping out with Miaka, Hotohori and Mitsukake, searching for the last Suzaku Seishi. The warmth in his gut was not entirely due to the hot food, but to the simple companionship of someone who understood him.

He finished the food and started cleaning up, swearing a few times when he tried to use his injured hand without thinking. Nuriko helped where he could, though Tasuki refused to allow him to use the tessen again. They packed up the campsite, and Tasuki slung his pack over his shoulders, made sure he could still get at his tessen quickly, and set off along the edge of the forest.

Nuriko trailed along beside him, giving the appearance of walking even though he wasn't actually touching the ground. They traveled in silence for about an hour before striking a road that cut through the forest. Tasuki turned onto it, glad for the shade, and the cool atmosphere of the woods settled over them.

"Why the hell are you so determined ta keep me alive, anyway?" he finally asked sullenly.

Nuriko looked at him sadly. "Why are you so determined to die?" he countered. "I can understand why you would try to kill yourself to break the demon's influence, to save Miaka. But that's all over - why now?"

"Because it's all over!" Tasuki replied heatedly, gesturing widely to emphasize the point. "Suzaku's been called, the war's been won, Tenkou's been destroyed, and the world is safe! Unless by some incredible coincidence there's ANOTHER godling wanna-be demon out there, but somehow I doubt it. It's all finished! The purpose we were born for is done. There's nothing left to live for."

Nuriko stared at him, speechless. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before shaking his head and sighing. "Tasuki, how can you say that?" he whispered mournfully. "There's so much to live for! Sunsets and sunrises, rainbows, butterflies, kittens, children playing, snowfalls... I could go on for hours and still never run out of things."

"You can get all that in the next life," Tasuki pointed out sourly. "Why should I stick around this life, alone and bored, when I could be moving on to something more interesting?"

"You're not alone. What about Chichiri?"

Now it was Tasuki's turn to sigh. "Chichiri's become a good friend, but... he just doesn't understand me, and I don't get him. We're too damn different. That constant cheerful attitude of his gets annoying after a while! I can't even talk to Kouji anymore. He still hasn't figured out why being 'Tasuki' has changed me so damn much, and I can't explain it to him."

"Well, what about me, then?"

Tasuki glared at him. "You're dead," he replied acidly. "You plannin' to haunt me fer the next eighty years? I'm not saying it ain't nice ta talk ta ya again, but..."

"But it's not the same," Nuriko finished for him with a touch of bitterness in his own voice. "Believe me, I know. But Tasuki, you're my friend! I don't like seeing you so unhappy, and I want to help you somehow."

Tasuki blinked at him, surprised to be addressed so. "Friend? You think of me as a friend?" he blurted out without thinking. Nuriko gave him a hurt look.

"I thought we were friends. Maybe you had a different idea of the relationship between us..."

Tasuki cut him off hastily. "No, no. I just meant... well, of course I always thought of ya as a friend. I just didn't think you... I mean, I was always teasin' you, and you were always punchin' me through walls..."

Nuriko chuckled. "Yeah, we were quite a pair, weren't we? Your teasing hurt at first, when I thought you were just another one of the many, many people who were disgusted by me. But after a while I realized that you only really teased the people you cared about, and then it stopped hurting and became more of a game." He gave the ex-bandit a wistful smile. "Whenever I really needed you, you were always there for me. Remember the night I cried my heart out on your shoulder over Hotohori?"

"How could I forget?" he replied gruffly, cursing the blush that sprang to his cheeks. It had been during the trip to Sailo - he'd been wandering around the decks of the ship in the middle of the night, unable to sleep because lying down made the seasickness worse. He'd heard the sound of someone crying brokenly, and hadn't been able to resist investigating. He'd coaxed Nuriko into telling him what was wrong, and spent the next hour calming the distraught Seishi. He'd fallen asleep with Nuriko curled up against him, and he'd had some... interesting dreams that night. He blushed harder at the thought. The next morning they'd gone their separate ways and never mentioned it again - but Tasuki had always felt closer to Nuriko after that. "Ya ruined my favourite shirt," he added, in keeping with his tough-guy image.

Nuriko looked offended for a moment, then he grinned. "Well, you must be feeling better, if you're back to teasing me," he chuckled warmly. Tasuki smiled hesitantly back.

"Yeah, I... I guess I am, kinda," he admitted. "But... damn it, it's just gonna start all over again when you go away."

Nuriko regarded him seriously for a moment. "Then I won't go away," he promised solemnly. "Tasuki, if I have to, I'll stay here with you until you die of natural causes as an old, old man. Don't you understand yet? MY only reason for being here is to help you!"

Tasuki stared at him, flabbergasted. "Nuriko..." he started hesitantly, his voice gone suddenly hoarse with emotion. "You can't be serious. Why would you DO that? I mean, we're talkin' about decades here! I saw how much you hate not bein' able ta interact with anything, you'd go crazy!"

The purple-haired man gave him an incredibly sad look, the kind of wistful, longing gaze he'd frequently directed at Hotohori while he'd still been alive. "Baka. Haven't you figured it out yet?" he asked quietly. "I'm in love with you."

"You... you... you WHAT?" Tasuki sputtered, startled. "When the fuck did THAT happen?"

"While we were searching for the memory globes, and fighting Tenkou," Nuriko replied solemnly. "I saw the way you tore yourself apart trying to make Miaka happy, and it made me realize that there was a whole other side of you that I'd never seen before. You were always my closest friend, and I've been attracted to you since I met you - I suppose it was inevitable."

Tasuki's jaw twitched as he tried to figure out what to say to that. He was absolutely floored; he hadn't been this shocked since he'd found out Hotohori was actually Emperor Saihitei. Nuriko saw the look on his face and mistook it for disgust. He turned away to stare away down the path, his gaze blinded by unshed tears.

"I seem to have a thing for people I can't have," he commented wryly, his voice heartbreakingly fragile. "First Hotohori, and later Miaka. And now..." he chuckled, the mirth obviously forced. "Even if you WERE like me, I can't even touch you. Aren't I pathetic? Maybe I'm afraid of love, so I keep falling for people I know will never love me back."

Tasuki frowned. "You were in love with Miaka?" he blurted out, then flushed.

Nuriko glanced back at him wryly. "I thought I was, for a while," he amended. "She was so loving, so giving - she reminded me of Kourin, my sister. I never once thought of taking her from Tama-chan, though; I suppose that's an indication that it was more an infatuation than anything."

He fell silent, and Tasuki cast about for something at least somewhat tactful to say. Tact was never his strong suite, and he was finding it even more difficult now. This was a position he'd never thought he'd be in! "Nuriko, I... I don't know what ta say," he finally replied. "After Kouji yer my closest friend - hell, these days ya probably come out on top of him. But I never thought of ya that way." He blushed again at the lie, trying hard not to think about the dreams he'd had that night, with Nuriko's warm and lithe body pressed up against his. Still, that had only happened once - it was hardly an indication that he was gay, just that he was horny.

"I know," Nuriko answered with an artless shrug. "I never expected you to. But you wanted to know why I was doing this... well, now you know. I'll never mention it again, if you don't." He hesitated, then added, "If it really bothers you, I'll go away. I'll still be watching to make sure you don't try anything stupid again, but I'll do it from where you can't see or sense me."

"Don't do that!" Tasuki protested instantly, the vehemence behind his words surprising him even more than Nuriko. "I... I don't care. I mean, it's not like yer gonna be hangin' all over me the way ya used ta do ta Hotohori, right?"

Nuriko nodded, smiling faintly. "I've grown up a lot since then," he replied. "No hanging, I promise." He crossed his heart solemnly, a gesture they'd picked up from Miaka to seal a promise.

"Well then... ya know... if ya don't mind keeping me company," Tasuki said, struggling to keep his voice casual. "I sure ain't gonna argue with ya."

Now he was rewarded with a full-blown smile, one of Nuriko's dazzlingly bright grins, and he found himself flushing with pleasure at the sight. He ducked his head to hide the blush, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other on the dusty road. With his luck, right about now his toe would manage to find an exposed root and he'd go flying.

They continued to travel in silence for a while, and now it was companionable rather than strange. From the corner of his eye Tasuki saw Nuriko 'walking' along beside him. From time to time the purple-haired Seishi would exclaim over a pretty bird flying above them or a cute furry animal darting across the path. Once he saw Nuriko reach out unthinkingly to pull a flower to his face to smell it; the ghostly Seishi's delicate hand passed right through the equally delicate petals without hesitating. Nuriko's face fell, though he worked swiftly to hide his disappointment from his companion. Tasuki wasn't fooled.

They were still close enough to the desert that the day was swelteringly hot even in the shade; Tasuki's shirt was soaked through with sweat beneath the pack on his back and under his arms. Sweat had worked its way down his arm under the bandage on his hand, and it was stinging like crazy by the time they stopped for lunch in a little clearing off the path. There was another river running alongside the clearing, or perhaps it was a branch of the same one. He unwrapped his hand and plunged it into the cool water, hissing as the cold struck the wound.

"You've really got to be more careful," Nuriko chided him, hanging over his shoulder.

"You're the one who used my tessen as a frying pan," Tasuki replied, pain making him short with his friend. "I can't believe you cooked rabbits on it!"

"I can't believe you grabbed it out of the fire!" Nuriko countered, his eyes dancing with laughter. Tasuki growled at him.

"Get lost," he said, shooing the other Seishi away with his good hand. "This stream's deep enough ta take a bath, and I stink."

"Judging from the look of your shirt, I'd imagine so," Nuriko agreed, smiling. "This is one thing I think I'm glad I can't smell! But why do I have to leave? It's not like you've got anything I haven't seen before."

Tasuki blushed. "I still have trouble rememberin' you're not a girl about some things," he admitted. "Doesn't matter, though - I don't want you droolin' all over me while I try ta get clean." He flashed a fanged grin to show that he wasn't serious, so the pretty Seishi wouldn't take offense.

Nuriko did look a little hurt, but he shrugged casually. "There's a stand of reeds over there," he said, pointing downriver. "If you go behind them, I won't be able to see you. Let me have your shirt and I'll wash it."

"Don't touch my tessen!" Tasuki exclaimed, pausing in the act of removing the holster for said weapon. Nuriko rolled his eyes.

"I won't touch your precious tessen," he promised disparagingly. Not quite mollified, Tasuki stripped to his pants and handed the shirt and overtunic to Nuriko. He thought he heard the purple-haired man muttering something about 'compensating' as he moved towards the stand of reeds.

He didn't remove his pants until he was certain he was out of sight - then he plunged into the icy water up to his waist. He yelped as the shock hit his system, and heard Nuriko laugh at him. But at least the cold water dealt with the REAL reason he hadn't wanted Nuriko to see him naked.

He blushed again as he scrubbed himself with a handful of river-bottom silt. The last of his soap had run out a few days ago, but the scouring sand would get him clean enough. He couldn't believe his body was embarrassing him like this! Had it been THAT long since he'd gotten laid?

He thought back, and frowned. Actually, it had been a long time - since before Miaka had first found him, in fact, more than two years ago. Not that he'd ever been particularly active that way; the whores in the towns the Leikaku bandits frequented had never done much to hold his interest. He'd used them when his teenaged body's needs got too urgent, and left them without a second thought. Not to mention, it had stopped the other bandits' teasing about his manhood. Somehow after becoming Tasuki, the idea of that sort of meaningless sex had become even more distasteful than before.

Still, that was no reason for him to be reacting to Nuriko! Sure, the other Seishi was beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous in fact. And despite the masculine clothes he'd adopted near the end of his life, he still looked more feminine than masculine. It was those big, deep rose eyes of his, Tasuki decided, as well as the delicateness of his features. Plus the mannerisms and gestures picked up over a lifetime of masquerading as a female - Nuriko still WALKED like a woman, and Tasuki had caught him using 'atashi' instead of 'boku' more than a few times.

But despite the outward appearance, and despite what he'd said earlier, Tasuki had never really thought of Nuriko as a woman once he'd discovered the Seishi's secret. Nuriko was no helpless, teary-eyed female that needed rescuing, that much was certain. Tasuki had always hated that kind of woman, because he always felt obligated to rescue them from whatever was making them cry. That damn chivalrous urge had never given him anything but trouble - just look at the whole mess with Miaka!

A sudden shiver wracked his body, and he realized he'd been standing daydreaming in the freezing water long enough for his skin to start to wrinkle. His fingernails were turning blue, and he had no doubt his lips were doing the same. Cursing, he ducked under the water completely to rinse the last of the sand away, and scrambled up onto the bank. Still shivering, he waited as the hot breeze dried him off and warmed him up a little.

Now that he wasn't splashing around, he could hear Nuriko's cheerful humming over the sound of the river. The Seishi was humming the melody of one of Amiboshi's flute songs, probably without realizing it, and the sound brought a melancholy smile to Tasuki's face. He'd liked the boy they'd known as 'Chiriko', and had been furious at his betrayal.

He pulled his pants back on as soon as he was dry enough, and shoved his feet back into his boots. Wandering out from the reeds, he found Nuriko just spreading his shirt and tunic over a bush to dry. "Do you realize what you're humming?" he asked, curious.

Nuriko blinked at him. "I didn't realize I was humming at all," he admitted with a grin. "I do that when I'm happy, sometimes. What was it?"

Tasuki hummed a few bars, and Nuriko's smile took on the same wistful quality Tasuki imagined his had possessed just a moment ago. "Amiboshi," Nuriko identified it instantly. "That was the song he played to cheer Hotohori up when Miaka had gone off with you and Chichiri to rescue Tamahome." He paused, and chuckled a bit. "For that matter, it was the song he played to cheer me up when I was mooning over Hotohori!"

The purple-haired man threw himself down on the riverbank, sprawling over the lush grass and staring out over the other bank. "I never did blame him for betraying us, you know," he said, and Tasuki glanced at him in surprise.

"Why not?" he asked as he sat beside his friend. Nuriko shrugged.

"Because I would have done the same thing, in his position. Wouldn't you?" He glanced over to see Tasuki shrug uncomfortably. "You would have," he said with certainty. "If it meant the difference between Konan winning and losing the war. Amiboshi thought that we were the ones causing the war - and when he realized he'd been wrong, he sacrificed himself to save Miaka. Nakago tricked him as thoroughly as he tricked Yui, and none of us blame her for being Seiryuu no Miko."

Tasuki realized he was staring, and looked away. He didn't know why it surprised him to hear this kind of philosophical thinking from the other Seishi; he was certainly aware that Nuriko had a perfectly good brain in his head, and knew how to use it. But it surprised him nonetheless. This was the sort of conversation Chichiri usually tried to drag him into. "I suppose you don't blame Suboshi, either," he grumbled.

"No. I'm hardly the one to throw stones at him - I know what it feels like to lose someone extremely close." Nuriko gave him a wistful smile. "Tasuki, I spent ten years of my life pretending to be a girl because my sister died. He lost his TWIN; someone who'd been connected to him since birth in a way none of us can imagine. And I'm certain that Nakago convinced him that we killed Amiboshi deliberately. He was insane with grief."

"He slaughtered Tamahome's family, Nuriko!" Tasuki shot back in disbelief.

"I didn't say I forgave him for what he did, just that I don't blame him," Nuriko replied acidly. "The enemy is never the enemy in their own eyes, Tasuki - even Nakago felt justified in what he did, and he DID free Kutou from the Emperor's reign. It's taken them a few years to pull out of the civil chaos caused by the fall of the throne, but from what I hear it's already better to live over there than it was before."

Tasuki snorted. "Side effect," he grunted. "Nakago just wanted him dead, he didn't care what happened to the country afterwards. Power-hungry bastard."

Nuriko shook his head. "It's not worth arguing about - the only one who knows his reasons is him, and he's dead."

"You're too forgiving, Nuriko!" Tasuki exclaimed. "I swear you'd forgive Ashitare if he was still around!"

Nuriko paled and brought a hand to his chest as thought it pained him, and Tasuki cursed himself for his insensitivity. "Maybe I would, if I knew his reasons for doing what he did," the shaken Seishi replied, and Tasuki gaped at him. The other man jumped to his feet abruptly, dusting at his backside though no earthly dirt could possibly have clung to him. "Your shirt should be dry by now," he said, clearly changing the subject. The look in his eyes warned Tasuki not to try to bring it up again, and for once Tasuki wisely kept his mouth shut.

He left his hand unbandaged, once Nuriko had examined it and declared it only a third-degree burn. It would heal faster with fresh air on it, though it stung like hell any time he unthinkingly tried to touch something with that hand.

They continued on through the forest, rehashing the good memories of those days years ago. Everything from Miaka's appetite to Tama the neko was brought up, and several times Tasuki had to pause because he was too out of breath from laughing to walk. The same memories that had depressed him so badly when he'd been alone just twenty-four hours ago, now cheered him when he had someone to share them with.

By the time they made camp for the night in a clearing off the road designed for that purpose, Tasuki found himself in better spirits than he had been since Suzaku had first been summoned. The river that had been flirting with the road for the last several leagues was back again, and he managed to catch a few fish for his dinner. There was good clay along the riverbank, and he wrapped the gutted trout in a wet blanket of clay and buried them in the ashes of his fire. Nuriko watched him work with interest. "What are you doing?" the ghostly Seishi asked him curiously.

"Chichiri showed me how to do this," Tasuki replied, sitting back and watching the flames crackle. "It bakes them. They're good."

Nuriko chuckled. "I don't know. I still think the tessen made a pretty good frying pan..." He ducked the playful swing Tasuki aimed at him, though they both knew Tasuki couldn't possibly hit him.

"Just you watch it," Tasuki threatened him mildly. "If you can touch the tessen, that means it can touch you - I'll bash you with it, see if I won't!"

Once Tasuki judged the fish to be done, he hauled the clay bundles out of the ashes with a stick and cracked them open with a rock. The succulent smell of roasted fish rose into the air, and he gave Nuriko a triumphant look. "See? Told ya," he said proudly.

"Mmm. Wish I could smell it," Nuriko agreed. "Wish I could taste it, for that matter. I didn't realize how much fun eating was until I couldn't do it any more."

Tasuki was actually startled by the reminder. In the dim light of the falling twilight, the ghostly qualities to Nuriko's form were mostly disguised by the shifting shadows. He looked solid and real, and for a moment Tasuki had actually forgotten that the other Seishi wasn't alive. The realization sent a fresh pang through his heart, an echo of the grief he'd felt at losing Nuriko the first time.

Nuriko hadn't missed his sudden discomfort. "What's wrong, Tasuki?" he asked in concern.

Tasuki shook his head and cleared his throat to rid it of the lump that had lodged itself there. "Nothin'," he replied, the huskiness of his voice hopefully masked by the cheerful crackle of the fire. He didn't know why it was so suddenly disturbing to him that Nuriko was dead; after all, the Seishi had been dead for two years or more. It was just that he had a sudden very intense desire to reach out and hug his friend comfortingly - Nuriko certainly looked like he could use a hug.

"You look like you need a hug," Nuriko said, startling Tasuki by echoing his thoughts so precisely. The spirit reached over and rested the side of his bracer against Tasuki's cheek. Tasuki could feel the cool, smooth metal against his skin, leaching away the warmth of the flush there. It was solid and comforting, but not enough. "Sorry... this is the best I can do."

Tasuki reached up and clasped his hand around the bracer, squeezing it the way he wanted to squeeze Nuriko's hand. He felt like he ought to say something, but he just didn't have the words. Instead he stared into Nuriko's pale rose eyes, seeing the sadness there and remembering the vibrancy of the colour they'd possessed in life. "If I was dead too, I could touch you," he muttered, not even realizing he was saying it aloud.

Nuriko's eyes widened in consternation. "Tasuki, don't you dare!" he exclaimed, bringing the other bracer up to frame the ex-bandit's face. He shook Tasuki gently, like he was trying to shake some sense into him. "That's an incredibly stupid reason to want to die! Damn it, I thought you were improving today!"

He was embarrassed that he'd spoken the thought aloud. "Yer blowin' it outta proportion," he declared roughly, pulling away from the odd embrace. "It was just a stupid thought, I didn't mean ta say it. Just slipped out."

"Stop thinking about dying!" Nuriko admonished him sternly. "And start thinking about living! Tasuki, one of the things I loved about you was that you were always so full of life!"

"Maybe I used it up too quick, then," Tasuki replied stiffly, standing and moving away from the fire, hugging himself tightly. It was a poor substitute for the arms he really wanted wrapped around him. "I'm goin' to sleep," he said gruffly, moving to unpack his bedroll. "I'll see you tomorrow, if you're still around."

Nuriko watched him sadly as he moved about setting up his bed. "Some day I'm not going to let you put me off that way, Tasuki," he promised softly, standing as well. "You won't always be able to escape an uncomfortable conversation with me by running away."

He turned and walked away into the forest before Tasuki could think of what to say, his form becoming more misty and vague with each passing step. In moments he was gone, the FEEL of him gone as well, and Tasuki knew he was alone once more.

 

* * *

Tasuki awoke the next morning with his head buzzing with strange images. He had vague memories of sustained nightmares of fire and pain, and of running from an unnamable fear that dogged his footsteps no matter what he did. Each nightmare had faded into nothingness to humming and a metallic caress against his cheek, as he was enfolded in wings of fire and reassured.

He sat up gingerly, swearing when he tried to put his weight on his burned hand. Rubbing his eyes with his good hand, he glanced around the little clearing.

There were the remains of the fire, and it was a damn good thing it had gone out without trouble - he'd forgotten to bank it the night before. Come to think of it, he hadn't banked it the night before THAT, either; a lingering subconscious wish to die in the flames, perhaps?

His pack was still leaning against the tree where he'd left it, the remains of his dinner scattered over the entire site by nocturnal scavengers. Well, that was what he got for not bothering to bury it. Scuffed bootprints trailed around in wandering paths in the dirt, all his own since Nuriko's feet left no impression. In fact, there was nothing to indicate that there had ever been more than one person at the site.

Of Nuriko himself there was no sign, and Tasuki felt a momentary flash of panic. What if he'd left? Tasuki certainly had done nothing to encourage him to stay. What if he was alone again?

"Ohayou, sleepyhead," came a cheerful voice from behind him, and he nearly wilted in relief. Nuriko hadn't left after all! He turned and saw the ghostly Seishi making his way back from the forest, placing his feet with exaggerated care so as not to spill any of the water in the rough, bowl-shaped rock he had balanced between his bracers. "The river is a bit of a walk from here, so I thought I'd get some water for you," Nuriko continued as he set the water-filled rock down next to the firepit. "I'm getting quite creative at doing things without touching them, if I do say so myself."

"Nuriko..." Tasuki started awkwardly, not wanting to leave his friend with hurt feelings. "About last night..."

Nuriko turned and placed an ethereal finger over his lips. It did nothing to actually silence him, but Tasuki got the idea and shut up anyway. "Don't mention it," Nuriko replied gently. "I was just disappointed because it seemed like you were backsliding. But I should have known that it would take more than one day to help you get over this preoccupation you have with dying. All that matters is that you start appreciating life again."

Tasuki's mouth quirked. "Don't hold your breath," he muttered sourly.

Nuriko laughed at him with his eyes again. "Why not?" he queried innocently. "It's not going to hurt me any."

Tasuki was surprised into a burst of laughter, and Nuriko chuckled with him. "I guess it wouldn't," he conceded, still grinning. Suddenly the day felt about a hundred times more promising. "If we keep up the pace we had yesterday, we should get to a town sometime late this afternoon," he told the purple-haired man as he packed up his bedroll once more. "I'm dying for a real bath, a real bed, and a real meal - not necessarily in that order. So I'm not gonna stop for lunch today, okay?"

Nuriko chuckled again. "You're talking like my opinion matters," he pointed out. "I don't eat, and I don't need to rest." Tasuki grinned ruefully to acknowledge his mistake, munching on some jerky he'd had in his pack as he set off down the trail once more.

"Just remember not to talk to me when other people are around," Nuriko reminded him as they walked. "They'll think you're babbling to yourself - no one else can see me."

Tasuki snickered at the image he would present to the villagers, wandering around talking to an unseen companion. "Great - I know you, you're gonna be doin' yer level best ta make me laugh the whole time, aren't ya?" he complained cheerfully.

Nuriko gave him a wicked grin. "Probably," he agreed. "I'll bet you I can make you laugh in front of someone 'for no reason' before midnight tonight!"

"You ain't got anything ta bet," Tasuki replied. "And what could I possibly forfeit to ya if I lose?"

"True," Nuriko conceded. "But I'm sure I'll have fun trying anyway." Tasuki groaned and rolled his eyes.

They continued to talk as they travelled, the conversation ranging from mild inconsequentials to deep philosophy. Tasuki was startled again and again at the depth of Nuriko's intelligence; he would have felt bad about it, except that he caught the other Seishi looking surprised a time or two at something Tasuki said as well. He found that he was enjoying himself far more than he had when Chichiri had tried to start much the same sort of conversation - there was just something about Nuriko that put him at his ease and made him want to bare his heart to the other man. He wasn't a person who trusted easily, but once he gave his trust, it was infinite.

Nuriko brightened with each passing mile as well, and Tasuki began to realize that Nuriko had needed friendship nearly as badly as he had. They had both been lonely, despite the differences in their circumstances. For the first time Tasuki began to wonder if dying wasn't the only option after all - after all, he might be just as badly off in his next life, or worse! At least here, he still had his memories of his past, of the friends he'd made... of Nuriko...

He was startled to realize just HOW important his memories of Nuriko were becoming. The panic that had hit him that morning when he'd thought Nuriko might be gone had subsided into a sweet warmth in his chest while he was in the other Seishi's presence, but he had little doubt it would return if Nuriko decided to leave now. He found that he wanted to make Nuriko happy, wanted to make the other man smile all the time. It was more than a want, in fact, it was almost a need, and it scared him a little. He'd never felt anything so intense before, never had anyone affect him this way.

He also had a sneaking suspicion that his feelings for the ghostly Seishi might be edging over the boundaries of friendship, and that scared him on several levels. First was the fact that he'd never been attracted to another man, however beautiful. Of course, he'd never been particularly interested in girls, either, but he'd always figured that would come when he found the right girl. It certainly hadn't taken much for Hikou to convince him that he wanted Miaka that way. Then again, couldn't he also argue that he might feel that way when he met the right GUY? The thought didn't disturb him as much as it should have - he'd spent too much time around Nuriko not to realize that there was nothing really wrong on a personal level with liking your own sex. It only meant that you weren't very likely to have children, so as a race it was contra-survival.

Second was the fact that he'd been in Nuriko's company now for less than two days. Certainly they'd known each other before - they'd first met more than two years ago, and had been close friends several times during that period. Tasuki had always felt closest to Nuriko of all the other Seishi, which was why he'd teased him so much. But he'd never thought of Nuriko that way before - why now?

Or had he? Thinking back on it, Tasuki was surprised to remember a few occasions when he'd gotten very bitter about Nuriko's obsessive fascination with Hotohori. At the time he'd attributed it to being annoyed that his friend was so single-minded, but what if it had been a touch of jealousy? What about those dreams, the night Nuriko had slept in his arms on the ship? Those certainly weren't the thoughts of a friend, or of a straight man for that matter! And his grief at the beautiful Seishi's death had been far more than he'd felt at the loss of Chiriko, Hotohori, or Mitsukake. He could argue that by then he'd gotten used to losing his friends; but then why hadn't each successive death lessened the feeling further? He'd been just as upset by Mitsukake's death as Chiriko's.

Could it be that he... loved Nuriko? As more than a friend and a fellow Seishi?

He didn't realize that he'd stopped in the middle of the road until Nuriko snapped his fingers in front of his face. "Hey, Tasuki! Are you okay? You look like you've just been pole axed!"

"I..." Tasuki stared at him, uncertain how to respond. He was in love with Nuriko, and Nuriko was in love with him, and there was supposed to be a 'happily ever after' in there somewhere - except for one tiny problem. Nuriko was dead. They could never touch, or kiss, or share a lazy day curled up in bed together. Even if Nuriko stayed with him for the rest of his life, they could never truly be together. And to make matters worse, Nuriko would have to watch as he grew older, while being unable to interact with life himself. Could the life-loving Seishi really stand to spend the better part of a century unable to touch, smell, or really experience anything without going crazy? Or turning bitter and resentful at the very least.

Suddenly Tasuki was bitter and resentful as well. After twenty years, he'd finally found someone he wanted to share the rest of his life with, and they had no life to share. He'd found a reason to want to keep living - and the only way he could have it was if he was dead. It wasn't fair! Was THIS his reward for faithful service to Suzaku? The fiery protector of the southern quadrant was also the god of love - surely He'd had some hand in this!

"Tasuki! Tasuki! What's wrong?" He finally became aware of Nuriko frantically trying to get his attention.

"Nothin'," he replied gruffly, starting to walk again. He kept his head down to hide the tears that were trying to form in his eyes. There was no point in making Nuriko miserable as well; he seemed content to love Tasuki without it being returned, but if he knew that Tasuki shared his feelings, it would make it even more difficult to bear the fact that he was dead.

Nuriko wasn't about to be put off, however; the change in Tasuki's mood had been lightning-quick, and there was no obvious reason for it. "Tasuki, will you TALK to me?" he pleaded, trying to get eye contact. "You're making me dizzy with all these sudden turnarounds, I swear!"

Tasuki stopped in the middle of the road again, his mind made up. He turned and looked his companion straight in the eyes, glad that he had learned to lie with his eyes long ago. Most liars could be tripped up if you know what to look for in their eyes; only the best could hide their true feelings away completely, and Tasuki was one of the best. "Nuriko, I swear to you by Suzaku that I will not try to take my life again," he swore solemnly. Nuriko's jaw dropped.

"Where did that come from?" he wondered dazedly. Tasuki had to chuckle a little.

"I have this tendency to think on a bunch of levels at once," he admitted. "Which is why sometimes stuff will pop out that doesn't seem related to anything I was sayin' before. But I'm serious. I won't try to kill myself again."

Nuriko was watching him warily. "Why do I hear a 'but' in there somewhere?" he asked cautiously, looking for the loophole.

Tasuki sighed. "Don't think I haven't appreciated yer company, or what you've done fer me. But I'm holdin' ya back, and if ya hang around here forever just 'cause of me, ya'll resent me eventually." Nuriko opened his mouth to protest, but Tasuki held up a hand to stop him. "Ya will, trust me. And ya'll go crazy, not able ta touch anythin'. Ya'll always be my friend, Nuriko... but I think it's time fer ya ta go on with yer own life."

"You want me to leave," Nuriko realized slowly, his eyes shadowed. "Tasuki, have I done something to hurt you? Offend you? If so, I'm sorry..."

"No, no!" Tasuki cut him off hastily. "Baka. I just told ya, it's not that ya..." He trailed off, frowning, turning to eye the road sharply. There was something nagging at him there, in the distance, almost beyond the range of his senses... "Do you hear that?"

Nuriko was plainly confused. "Hear what?" he asked, upset. "All I hear is you telling me to go away..." Tasuki waved at him to be quiet, and he fell silent with a hurt look.

Tasuki strained to catch another snatch of whatever it was that had attracted his attention in the first place. It came again, and his face went dark. "Screaming," he said grimly. "Someone's screaming that way. A lot of someones. C'mon!"

"Tasuki, what are you talking abou... Tasuki! Wait!"

He was already running, stretching his long legs to cover the distance at an incredible rate. This was his other Seishi power, the one that was truly his own and not the gift of a magic weapon; speed. It was something that often got overlooked because of the flashier tessen, but it had won him more than a few battles and kept him alive any number of times. Nuriko was chasing along behind him, abandoning the pretence of walking in favour of trying to keep up with him.

It wasn't long before they could both hear the screaming, and the clashing of weapons besides. They burst out of the forest to see a village afire, with attackers both mounted and on foot swarming everywhere.

"Bandits," Tasuki snarled, reaching back for his tessen. He gritted his teeth as his burned hand protested his tight grip on the metal handle, and endured it. Just another few feet, and he'd be in range of one of those archers sending fire arrows into the thatch and wood of the village. "Bastards! Lekka shinen!"

The magical fire from the tessen swept out and engulfed three of the archers, sending them screaming to the ground. The marauding bandits clearly were not expecting an attack from behind, and he was able to take out six more before they got themselves organized to protect their vulnerable flank.

Nuriko had waded in as well, smashing left and right with his bracers. Bandits were running from the invisible attacker, cursing as they were clipped by his swings. "Why are they attacking the village?" he shouted to Tasuki over the increasing roar of the fires.

"Who knows?" Tasuki growled back, startling his current opponent. He parried the man's sword with his tessen, and called forth another wave of flame at point blank range. The man didn't even have time to scream before he was incinerated. "It's bastards like these that keep giving the Leikaku bandits such a bad name!"

The band of bandits was smaller than it had first seemed - they gave the appearance of numbers because their mounted men were darting back and forth with no semblance of organization. They were a poorly trained group, with ill-fitting armour and rusty weapons, but they were more than the simple farmers and merchants could handle. They were, however, absolutely no match for two trained and determined god-blessed warriors, one of whom could not be injured.

The beset-upon farmers rallied behind them, attacking with the weapons they best knew how to use - scythes and other farm implements. Behind them their women scooped up rocks and pelted the bandits with them, while others organized a hasty bucket brigade from the wells. They drove the bandits out, sending the last of them running with their tails between their legs.

"Damn!" Tasuki cursed, realizing that all the bodies around him were dead. "I was hopin' ta get one alive!"

"Why?" Nuriko asked him, dusting his hands off in a ritualistic end to the battle. "I didn't think you were into torture."

"I wanted ta see if these were the lot of 'em, or if there were more hangin' around somewhere," Tasuki replied disgustedly. Nuriko shrugged.

"If so, we'll take care of them. We should stick around a few days and help these people rebuild, anyway..."

"M'lord..." A soot-covered man holding a bloody scythe stopped a few paces away and bowed before them awkwardly. "Thank ye, m'lord."

Tasuki snorted. "Quit it with the 'm'lords', will ya? I'm nobody important. You all are just lucky I happened to be wanderin' out this way and heard the screamin'."

The man glanced down at Tasuki's forearm pointedly, perforce drawing the Seishi's eyes there as well. Tasuki cursed inwardly to see that his sleeve had been ripped at some point in the battle, and his Seishi symbol was glowing brightly with his fading battle chi. "Well, shit."

Nuriko snickered at him. "So much for being incognito," he chuckled. "You'll just have to take your credit, Tasuki."

Tasuki wanted badly to tell the other Seishi to mind his own business, but he didn't want the man to think he was crazy. "Yeah, I'm Tasuki, okay? No need to make a big deal outta it. Let's help get this bucket brigade more organized, and put your town out..."

"M'lord!" Another woman came running up from the town, and Tasuki rolled his eyes at the honourific. The woman's next words froze his blood in his veins. "M'lord, the temple's afire - the children were inside at their lessons! They're trapped on the third floor!"

Tasuki and Nuriko traded one startled look, then they were both running again. The temple was always in the centre of the town, though this village hadn't looked big enough to rate one with three stories! Tasuki realized why the temple was there when his Seishi symbol flared up as they approached the flaming building; there was magical energy pooling here, lots of it. Chichiri had taught him enough about the signs that he recognized a ley-line convergence when he felt it, sensitive as all the Seishi were to that kind of energy. Nuriko recognized it too, he saw in his face.

Frantic parents, calling out to their children who were standing at the windows, ringed the building. The children ranged in age from infant to seven or so, and all of them were crying. Their parents were trying to coax them to jump out the windows, but the children were too scared to move. The entrance to the temple was full of flame, impassable, and the roof was also on fire. The building would surely collapse any moment.

"I can get to them, but I won't be able to get them out except by carrying them one at a time!" Nuriko exclaimed in frustration. "And if they struggle, which they almost certainly will, I'd have no way of holding them without hurting them."

Tasuki sized up the situation. The windows were like an open flue in a stove, feeding the fire with oxygen. They had moments, minutes maybe. He didn't even think about it, didn't even pause - he just raced for the door.

"TASUKI!" Nuriko protested, echoed by the surprised shouts of the townspeople. Tasuki ignored them, dropping his pack before he reached the temple proper and pulling his tunic up over his face. Hunching over, he burst through the flaming doorway and headed for where he knew the stairs had to be.

Inside the inferno it was hot enough to cook him alive, and the smoke was thick black and choking. With a hasty prayer to Suzaku that the stairs would still hold his weight, he stumbled up them as he head began to swim from lack of oxygen.

"What are you DOING?" Nuriko demanded frantically. "Are you out of your mind? You promised you wouldn't try to kill yourself again!"

Tasuki didn't have the breath to spare for arguing, so he settled for a glare. He was at the second floor now... the stairs to the third floor would be at the other end of the hall. Thank Suzaku all the temples were built around just a few similar designs, depending on the number of floors!

Twice he had to pause for Nuriko to shove fallen debris out of the way, and he was grateful for the strong Seishi's presence. He paused at the bottom of the second flight of stairs, kneeling with his head near the floor to try to catch his breath in the small amount of clean air there. The air was still scaldingly hot, burning his throat and his lungs and threatening to make him start coughing. A creaking groan from the timbers of the walls around him warned him that he didn't have any time to waste - he got up into a scuttling crouch and darted up the stairs.

He could hear the children crying over the roar of the flames by the time he got to the third floor landing, and that guided him to where they were. Here the fire was mostly above him in the roof, dropping little tongues of flame and hot cinders all around him. He was burned several times before he made it to the door of the classroom.

There were six children in all, the oldest holding the infant in his arms. There was no sign of the monk that should have been teaching them - Tasuki could only assume he was already dead. "What are you going to do?" Nuriko shouted to him over the crackle of the fire.

"Toss 'em!" Tasuki replied grimly, suiting actions to words as he scooped up the nearest child, a two-year-old girl. The girl screamed in fright, already terrified beyond belief by the situation and now being manhandled by a strange man. Glancing out the window, he confirmed that the parents were still there. "Catch!" he yelled, and heaved the child out to the waiting adults.

The villagers made a clumsy catch, too surprised at his actions to react quickly enough to cushion her fall. Tasuki grimaced - the poor thing was going to have a broken leg, but that was better than dying in the fire. He picked up the next child, and this time the adults managed to catch him properly.

Nuriko was helping him by cutting off two of the children who tried to run from him, scared. He just caught them between his bracers and lifted them off their feet, handing them quickly to Tasuki who tossed them out the window. The seven-year-old jumped on his own when he saw that the others were safe, which left only the infant.

Tasuki hesitated, torn. The baby couldn't take as much punishment as the other kids, and he was afraid of killing it if he tossed it out the window. There really was no other choice; he held up his blanket-wrapped burden so the adults would see what was coming next, and waited until they were ready before tossing the infant as gently as possible down to them.

"Now you get out of here!" Nuriko yelled at him, gesturing frantically at the window. Tasuki was getting dizzy from lack of oxygen, and the heat wasn't helping. He was forced to back up a bit from the window when a roof beam collapsed nearly on top of him, and had to wait as Nuriko hastily cleared the burning log.

They both heard it - a strange sighing noise as the roof gave in under the stresses. Time slowed to a crawling pace, as their eyes met and filled with terrible knowledge. Tasuki had time to see the anguish and sorrow in Nuriko's wine-coloured eyes, before the roof collapsed on top of him and sent him plunging into the fires of Hell.

 

* * *

Strangely, waking up didn't hurt, though he knew it should have. WHY it should have hurt he wasn't sure, but it definitely should have. He cracked his eyes open, his chest rising in a deep breath.

The air tasted funny, and it took him a long moment to identify just what was wrong with it. There were no smells. There were scents missing from the air that he'd never even realized were there - his own musky smell, that had been with him since birth, the dust of the earth, the smell of grass, of water, of sunshine. It was just... air.

He realized he was standing, and that seemed wrong, too. If he'd been unconscious, shouldn't he have been lying down? Why did his body feel so light, as if he were floating...

Memory came rushing back, and he gasped with the realization. The temple had collapsed on top of him, before he could escape through the window. There was no way he could have lived through that, certainly not without being horribly burned. Not even a Seishi had that kind of healing ability.

He glanced around, and saw Nuriko standing not far away. The purple-haired Seishi had his back to Tasuki, watching something going on beyond him. One hand covered his mouth, and Tasuki could see his shoulders shaking with sobs.

"Nuriko..." he said, surprised again when his voice wasn't harsh. The other man spun to face him, eyes full of tears.

"Oh, Tasuki," he murmured, drawing his hand away to reveal a watery smile. "Baka. Why must you always be so gallant?"

Tasuki blinked at him, realizing for the first time that the other man looked solid, real. As a ghost he had always seemed pale, like all his colour had been washed out with his life. Now it was the rest of the world that seemed to be faded, as though he were viewing it through a grey mist. Nuriko reached out and touched his arm, and that only confirmed what he'd really already known. "I'm dead, aren't I?" he asked numbly.

"Hai no da," came an unexpected voice from behind him. He turned to see Chichiri standing solemnly, his mask conspicuously missing and his voice low. "You saved all the children, but the temple collapsed on you na no da. The villagers buried you two days ago no da, in a place of honour where the temple used to be." Looking past Nuriko, Tasuki saw now that they were indeed at the site of the temple, and that Nuriko had been looking at a carved stone monument that had been erected there with his name on it.

"Two days ago?" Tasuki exclaimed. "And what are you doin' here, anyway?"

Chichiri smiled faintly. "The globe I gave you was destroyed when the building collapsed no da," he replied gently. "And I felt your chi pass over as well na no da."

Tasuki felt dumb. "Oh. Right." He sighed. "Well, I guess you're the last of us, then," he commented, and Chichiri nodded.

"Just when I finally had you convinced to live again!" Nuriko exclaimed, using frustration to hide his very real sorrow. "Tasuki no baka! Why do you have to be so damn heroic, anyway?"

Tasuki gave him a weak smile. "Guess it's just part of bein' a Seishi," he replied gamely. "Why'd you move that rock, huh? If you'd sat still, Mitsukake probably would have gotten to you in time."

"Because he might not have, and then you'd never have moved it," Nuriko answered with a sigh. "I understand, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Why not?" Tasuki asked, and reached out to catch the surprised man in a tight hug. It felt GOOD to hold him, to wrap his arms around the slender frame and tuck Nuriko's head under his chin. "I missed you," he whispered, low enough that Chichiri wouldn't hear him.

"Missed you, too," Nuriko mumbled into his shoulder, squeezing him back gently. Chichiri coughed politely, bringing their attention back to him.

"I've done all I can do for the village no da," he told them, his cheerful bubbly tone creeping back into his voice as he spoke. "Now they just need time to heal na no da. Oh, and Nuriko and I took care of the rest of the bandits, no da, so don't worry about them. Now I need to be getting back to Taikyouku... and you both have places to be, as well na no da."

With a last gentle smile, he replaced his mask and lifted his straw kasa from where it was hanging on his back, lowering it onto his head. It continued lowering, swallowing him whole and disappearing after him in a weird kind of implosion. Tasuki stared at it, snorting.

"He always has ta make such a damn dramatic exit," he grumbled playfully, and Nuriko chuckled. "So... what now?"

Nuriko shrugged. "I don't know. We'll go where we're supposed to be, I suppose. Usually it just kind of... fades out." He tried to pull away from the hug, and was surprised when Tasuki wouldn't let go of him. "Nani?"

"Where do you think you're goin'?" Tasuki mock-growled at him, grinning. "I been waiting days ta get my hands on you."

Nuriko blinked up at him uncertainly. "Wh-why?" he asked, the hesitation in his voice matching the fragile look in his eyes.

Tasuki paused before blurting out his love. Was he absolutely sure about this? What if he'd just been infatuated with the one person who really understood him? What if he wasn't even really gay, just horny?

When the hell had he picked up this tendency to overanalyze everything, anyway? He'd obviously been spending too much time around Chichiri. Where had the brash young man, who did what he wanted and to hell with anyone else, gone? Showing fangs in a feral grin, he leaned down and kissed Nuriko thoroughly.

The smaller Seishi actually struggled against him for a moment, shocked. Then he melted into the embrace, his arms coming up to wrap around Tasuki's neck as he stood up on tiptoe for better leverage. Tasuki opened his mouth, and his searching tongue was met by the hot press of Nuriko's in return.

They dueled back and forth for a moment, Tasuki realizing with pleasure that they had no need to come up for air. When he finally drew away Nuriko was staring up at him with glazed eyes, dazed.

"What was that for?" the pretty Seishi wondered aloud, blinking at him. "Not that I'm complaining, but..."

"I love you," Tasuki told him, startling him into silence again. "I realized it earlier - that's why I was tryin' ta send ya away."

"WHY?" Nuriko blurted, astonished. "Why would loving me make you send me away? I'd have given anything for you to love me back!"

"What good would it have done us?" Tasuki countered, raising one hand to stroke his thumb along Nuriko's full lower lip. "We couldn't even hug each other, never mind make love. We woulda just sat around pinin' away over each other fer decades, gettin' more bitter all the time."

"Is that why you went into the building?" Nuriko asked sorrowfully. "To be with me?"

Tasuki snorted. "Don't ascribe TOO many romantic notions ta me," he said scornfully. "Dyin' painfully ain't the first way I'da chosen ta prove my love ta ya. I did it fer the kids, baka." He hugged the smaller man to him tightly again, closing his eyes as he rested his face in the silken purple locks. "But I ain't gonna complain if my reward is gettin' ta touch you again," he added softly.

"I love you, Tasuki," Nuriko choked out, tears caught in his throat. "Even if you are a baka, I'll love you forever, this life and the next one."

"The next life..." Tasuki trailed off, realizing that Nuriko's reason for staying in this world was now gone. They would both go on to their next lives now... together? Or apart? Would they have to find each other all over again? What if they didn't recognize each other? They'd gone through so much to be together...

*I am not so cruel as to bring you together only to separate you, My Warriors,* a hauntingly beautiful voice spoke to them, as if answering Tasuki's very thoughts. He jerked his head up in surprise, and found that the village had faded around them into an amorphous red mist. Standing before him was an impossibly perfect man dressed all in colours of flame, with the mark of the gods on his forehead. Tasuki knew this man, knew him well though he had never seen his face before.

"Suzaku," he said with certainty. Nuriko turned in his embrace to face the god, so that Tasuki's arms were still around him.

The god nodded at them. *Yes. Nuriko, My Seishi, you have done well.*

"But he died!" Nuriko protested, teary-eyed. "You told me to keep him alive!"

*I told you to keep him from ending his life needlessly,* Suzaku chided him gently, as a loving parent might correct a favourite child who had erred. *And you did so. It was his time, and he was destined to die in the flames, but I did not wish him to have the karmic guilt of a suicide on his soul. Tasuki, you make Me proud.*

Tasuki was embarrassed to find tears coming to his eyes at the loving words - it was all the approval he'd ever subconsciously searched for, and more. "I just did what I had to," he replied humbly. Suzaku gave him an understanding smile, full of pride and love, and he flushed.

*It is time,* the god told them. *Nuriko's soul has lingered too long here already, and I dare not stretch it any further. But do not worry, My Children - you will all be together in the next life, My Seishi and My Miko both. When you meet again, your memories will be returned to you.*

Nuriko turned again and hugged Tasuki, his face radiant with joy. Tasuki was a little overwhelmed himself, but he let his love for Nuriko shine through in his eyes. Leaning down, he kissed the beautiful Seishi tenderly, before straightening and facing his god once more.

"We're ready," he told the awesome being before them, and Nuriko nodded. Suzaku gestured, and the world began to fade out around them. First he lost the vision of the red mists, then Suzaku's image vanished as well. Then the feel of Nuriko against him faded, leaving him alone... then he began to fade as well, his awareness of his own 'self' disappearing into the void. In the end there was only his soul, travelling to his new life with only a trailing thread of brightest red to mark his connection to another; his lover, his soul mate - his Nuriko.


End file.
